Art of the Internet
2B or not 2B Easier with Online Dating
By Sharon Almirall
Waiting for your married friends to arrange a dinner party and a blind date for you is so yesterday. Spending vast quantities of time in dimly lit bars hoping a sexy (and honestly eligible) man will find you is so inefficient. Even duo-tasking — walking your dog, for example, while smiling at the guys walking theirs and checking your phone to see who’s texting you — is flying blind.
Why not assess the potential of a number of eligible men at the same time, all selected according to your specifications, at an Internet dating site?
I am a veteran Internet dater. It all began six years ago in a Midwestern city, where it seemed as though the chance of meeting appropriately aged available men (I had not yet achieved cougar status) was slim to none. There were very few good-looking, intriguing men; some of them seemed to be waiting for the spring thaw to indulge in a haircut and new shoes. I threw myself upon the mercy of Match.com, and when only three available men surfaced in my immediate area, I decided to cast the net a bit wider in the man search and included the metropolis 150 miles away.
A valuable lesson from that initial jump into the pool was that some men don’t want to travel more than two blocks to meet a date, so 150 miles was expecting way too much. But another lesson was that it’s possible to cast a net as far and wide as possible, if you’re OK with relocating. Moving to the Middle East (yes, that area next to Asia) didn’t appeal to me. Now that scammers have discovered that the Internet can be an effective way to reel in a woman willing to part with her savings, answering love letters from around the world certainly should be approached with caution.
With a plan to move to Denver, I started looking online for potential dates I could meet as soon as I landed in the Mile High City. By the time I had been in Denver one week, I’d already had dates with a couple of men. The first one wasn’t attracted to me in the least and said so. We parted ways after he generously paid for dinner, and I took away a thicker skin that has served me well in this Internet dating roulette.
The second one was looking for a long-term relationship (LTR) and wanted it to begin immediately. The gifts and concerts and dinners were nice, but the expectation that I’d become an every-night kind of girlfriend was too much. I needed to show up at my place of employment five days a week and had other obligations that got in the way of going out nightly. Another lesson here: Retired men often want a companion who is available all the time, or as he said, “at my beck and call.” Next request was that I should carry a beeper to answer that call. What I really learned was this: If you’re going to spend every evening with a guy, you’d better find him awfully compelling.
The enjoyable aspect of Internet dating is that you can communicate with several prospects at once and see which one shakes out as the best candidate. Since Internet dating etiquette is fuzzy, you don’t have to feel disloyal to be writing to more than one person at a time, or actually seeing more than one at a time. I soon learned that for men, Internet dating is a bit like fishing. They throw the line into the water and see how fast a fish jumps on the bait. Of course, at some point you may need to settle on one prospect for the sake of taking the relationship into the realm of reality. Both of you may want to ask, “Where are we going with this?” “Do you have others in your life?” “Do you want an LTR or simply an activity partner?”
Asking those questions too soon can be risky. Jay told me that when one woman questioned him about marriage at the beginning of their acquaintance, it gave him the impression that she didn’t want to waste her time if he wasn’t thinking about marriage. “I’m just living my life right now,” he told her. Having become widowed a few months earlier, this man wasn’t ready to think about getting married yet. Timing is important.
After trying a couple of dating sites with large pools of candidates, I learned that reading between the lines is required. When someone describes his body type as “having a few extra pounds,” it’s subject to interpretation: Does it mean he always takes the elevator, or that he tucks in half a gallon of ice cream every night?
John said the pictures that some women presented on their dating profiles didn’t match what he saw when he met them. “A couple of them lied about their ages.” Others exaggerated their interests and how active they were. He soon realized after traveling to other cities in Colorado for dates that he preferred to see someone living within 20 miles of his home.
Susan has been Internet dating for several years following a change-of-life experience that sent her back into the dating arena. For some this could be a daunting scenario, but Susan says her profession as a massage therapist prepared her to handle any unusual situations that might arise from online encounters. She has had to deal with many premature advances and has become adept at protecting herself while doing her job.
She says she learned quickly to narrow her search for prospective dates by limiting the amount of time spent exchanging e-mails. Once she determined through the screening process that there were mutual areas of interest, she would request a meeting. In one instance, this meant a trip to Holland. Another time, though, when she scrimped on the screening process, someone who had provided very little information and no photo turned out to be very interesting and resulted in a lengthy relationship.
Ultimately, she said, it is "about knowing what you want in life and attracting people who know what they want, and you're on the same page." The Internet has helped her refine her needs in the context of her own life. Over the years, she says, she has dated 20 to 30 people. There were relationships at different levels of involvement, and one resulted in a long-term friendship, even though both were convinced they would not be a good match for each other.
While every date has a story, my journal of dates is far too big to recount each one. I thought I’d mention a few of the more fascinating men I’ve met just for grins.
The Mountain Man
Just because a guy is physically fit doesn’t mean he has it all together. Take the mountain man. He liked hiking and was thoroughly knowledgeable about treks along the Front Range. I was concerned when he jumped off the light rail train without telling me he was getting off. It took a couple of hours to find him. He was wandering around the Auraria campus trying to find me, and I never fully understood what he was doing during that ramble.
The Dive Guy
This man’s profile read like someone who blended travel with athletic pursuits and had some interesting times doing it. There was some online conversation, some phone talk, and a first date. We talked about my upcoming birthday, and he said he wanted to celebrate it with me and would plan an evening. By the time we had finished watching the movie he had picked out because it was the story of two mature adults meeting and falling in love, I was feeling that he had programmed this event to suggest an LTR. As we left the movie theater, I mustered all the courage I could and said, “I don’t want to go to dinner, and I’m sorry, but I this is not working for me.”
The Skiing Guy
Foreign-born, he had a charming accent and boyish good looks that immediately attracted me when we met at a hip watering hole known for its meet-up atmosphere. After dinner and drinks we relocated to his home, where he had stashed a couple of bottles of wine. Good learning opportunity here: Don’t go to someone’s home for drinks unless you and he have been clear about the expectations on both sides. This guy was looking for a one-night stand. After he realized I wasn’t going to fill that role, he walked me to my car with a brisk goodbye.
Piano Man
Cute and fun, he talked about a wealth of musical experiences in his background. He also had some odd physical ailments I had never heard of, so I wasn’t sure what to make of them. Health issues should be discussed for the sake of transparency and are important to the possibilities for the relationship, but over time they can lapse into completely boring conversations and totally destroy a vibe.
There is plenty of good news about Internet dating: A big, wide world is waiting out there with lots of people in it, and you can sift through them rather quickly thanks to the Internet. Eventually, one just might surface who makes that $29 a month worthwhile. I’m still hopeful!